Season: 10 Episode: 150
Listen to episode 146 in Spanish:
Summary:
Why is it important for Christians to be equally yoked in marriage? And what does that even mean? It’s as simple as finding a project or finding a partner. The Bible does not encourage us to find a project – someone you can take to church and hope will change as you date. The Bible encourages you to find a partner – someone who is already committed to a relationshp with Christ and who will come alongside you in a committed marital relationship. Shanda breaks down what to do if you are in an unequally yoked marriage, and how to navigate dating as you look forward to marriage.
Quotables:
Resources on this topic:
Why are the newer translation of the Bible missing verses?
Does John 7:53-8:11 belong in the Bible?
Has the Bible been corrupted, altered, edited, revised or tampered with?
Recommended Resources:
Cross Examined Article: Don’t Panic: A Step by Step Approach to Teaching Kids About God
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Hey guys! Welcome back to another episode of Her Faith Inspires podcast where we take cultural issues and tackle them with Biblical truth. Today we’re going to talk about being unequally yoked and what that means. I’m going to lay this out in few stages and the reason I’m doing this episode is because I’ve received several questions about it from the single ladies who listen to the podcast. I also have had some moms ask me how we talk to our boys about dating, and right now we have six teens in the family and 3 – 20 year olds who are all dating.
Before we get into that, I want to let you all know about an online conference I am speaking at called Mama, it’s time to roar. The MAMA part stands for moms against the mainstream agenda. If you’d like to go, please see my events calendar on my website – shandafulbright.com. I will also be speaking at an in person conference in Pickens, SC on Sept 23. You can find that info on the site as well.
Ok, so today we’re going to talk about:
- What does it mean to be unequally yoked?
- If you’re married and you’re unequally yoked what do you do?
- If you’re single and you want to get married, how are you handling the standard of “Do not be unequally yoked” in dating?
- How do you talk to your kids about not being unequally yoked?
What does it mean to be unequally yoked?
A couple of years ago I was talking to a friend about dating and I said, “The Bible encourages us to find a partner, not a project.” One of my nephews was thinking about asking a girl out but she’s not a Christian. He told his mom that he can invite her to church. I told him what I told my friend a few years ago – the Bible encourages us to find a partner, not a project.
We see this in 2 6:14-18. It says, “14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial[b]? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said:
“I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.”
17 Therefore, “Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.” 18 And “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”
We often talk about being unequally yoked in marriage, but this isn’t isolated to marriage.
It’s in regard to a partnership between believers and unbelievers. So notice the contrast – a believer and an unbeliever. There are some Christians who say unequally yoked means someone form a different denomination and unbelievers, and that’s not true. If you are partnering with someone who believes in the fundamentals of Christianity, then you are not unequally yoked per this verse. It doesn’t mean you won’t have to work out some details, especially if you are going to marry someone who is from a baptist denomination and you go to a pentecostal church. That will present the challenge of finding a church together, but it docent mean you’re unequally yoked.
If someone is a New Ager and you’re a Christian, then you are unequally yoked. The contrast here is between a believer and an unbeliever. They are moving in opposite directions. They have different goals, different lifestyles, and different desires. How can you move together? And that’s where we get the language of being yoked together. This is why it’s important to understand the culture of the 1st century when the NT was written.
Got Questions explains it this way:
“A yoke is a wooden bar that joins two oxen to each other and to the burden they pull. An “unequally yoked” team has one stronger ox and one weaker, or one taller and one shorter. The weaker or shorter ox would walk more slowly than the taller, stronger one, causing the load to go around in circles. When oxen are unequally yoked, they cannot perform the task set before them. Instead of working together, they are at odds with one another.”
When two people get married, they become one flesh. That shows unity. They are one in Christ. When they are unequally yoked, they are not in unity. So unequally yoked means you are uniting yourself in partnership, whether business or marriage, to an unbeliever.
What do you do if you’re married and you’re unequally yoked?
Again, this means that someone is married to an unbeliever. Now again, we do not see where the Bible encourages us to marry unbelievers, but you might get saved after you get married and your spouse doesn’t. Or you might marry someone who isn’t saved even if you are a Christian. So now what do you do? How do you handle this?
If this happens, it will likely be difficult. Think back to the oxen carrying the yoke. There is a natural struggle when two oxen are not carrying the same weight or when they want to do in different directions. God does not give us a way out of the marriage, however.
1 Corinthians 7:12-14 says this, “12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”
If the unbelieving spouse is willing to stay married to you, let them and don’t divorce them.
But what else can you do?
I think we have to remember that there is a spiritual battle that takes place for the soul of every human being. The unsaved person is in darkness but if you are saved, you are shining the light of Christ. Darkness is the absence of light. But if you shine the light of Christ, it does not go unnoticed. You might not see the effects of it, but don’t get discouraged.
Also, remember that your conduct is also important.
1 Peter 3:1-2 says, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” This is such a powerful verse because when seething bothers me, I want to call it out and talk about it. But Peter is reminding us that we can do so much good by being quiet. And this takes some self-control. That’s really hard.
Now, I know some of you are going to ask – what if my husband asks me to do something that goes against God’s word. Do I listen to him? No. God is first in your life, your husband is second to the Lord. Obey God above all.
And don’t forget that your prayers move the hand of God.
I think we underestimate the power of prayer, but as a praying wife, you are fighting the spiritual battle for your husbands soul. Unbelieving spouses do come to the Lord. If you watched or read the movie/book called A Case For Christ by Lee Strobel, check it out. It will encourage you.
Also, ask your pastor to pray. Rally your church friends. And I have a list of people I pray for in my prayer journal. Send me your spouse’s name and I’ll write it in my prayer journal and pray too.
If you’re single and you want to get married, how are you handling the standard of “Do not be unequally yoked” in dating?
I got married when I was 25, almost 26. I spent 4 years in a relationship that I wasn’t supposed to be in. But the guy was supposed to be a Christian. In fact, he was an assistant pastor at our church, he preached often, and he went on trips with our youth and young adult groups. I started dating him when I was 21. I held on to my standards – I wanted a Christian man and I would not have sex before marriage. Those were my standards regardless of what the person I dated wanted. I knew it was against God’s word to have sex before marriage, so that meant living with each other wasn’t even on the table, I never considered it.
What’s my point?
My point is, the reason you don’t want to be unequally yoked when you date is because God’s commands are your standards. And the person you date, if they’re a Christian, will make God’s commands their standards. That makes the burden light because men and women are naturally attracted to each other by God’s design.
You will want to have sex with the person you date. The temptation is real and I don’t think Christians should act like you won’t want to have sex. I’ve mentioned this before, but these are part of the honest conversations we have with our boys. Don’t feel like a sinner or that you’re evil because you want to have sex with the person you’re dating. But, you have to think ahead for how you will keep that standard until you get married. How will we work through this together so that we keep God’s command?
It is culturally acceptable to live together and have sex with someone before marriage.
But that doesn’t mean God’s word has changed. I’ve been studying 1 John and I read the other day and noted where John said that God’s commands are not burdensome. A lot of peel think God’s commands are burdensome. A burden is when you carry a heavy load. The Bible is clear that sin is a burden. Psalm 38:4 says, “My iniquities (sin) have gone over my head. As a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me.”
According to Pew Research, 78% of young adults aged 18-29 think it’s acceptable to live together before marriage. But just because everyone is doing it doesn’t mean it’s permissible by God.
The majority is not the authority when it comes to morality and truth.
There is a family crisis in our country in regard to people getting married later in life, living together instead of committing themselves in marriage, and I believe, based on the statistics we see from many of these sources, that it’s because of easy access to sex. There is an old saying and I believe it’s true – why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? When we live together before marriage, we cheapen the relationship. It takes away a certain level of commitment but you get all the benefits of a married couple. It’s just easier to walk away.
So let’s tie this back into the concept of marrying a partner vs marrying a project – and we see that if we both have the same standards that God has commanded us, then we have a partner. We have someone who can share the yoke of saving sex for marriage and living as Christ commands, or we can date someone we lowered the standard for and carry a build of the yoke ourselves.
Marriage is a great thing, but I believe it starts with you setting the commands of God as the standard for your dating relationships AND it takes seeing your value as a woman of God so that you do not lower your standards for any man who is not willing to first love God himself, and then carry the burden with you.
How do you talk to your kids about not being unequally yoked?
I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 and I really didn’t have anyone I wanted to date before then. My husband and I carried that rule over into our home and our boys can’t date until they’re 16. I have two over that age and neither of them have had serious relationships yet. My youngest has a few years before he can start dating.
First, talk to you kids about the purpose of dating. There is a purpose – it’s to find a wife or husband. It’s not so you can fit in with all the friends who are dating. I know what it’s like when all of your friends are dating and you’re not. You feel like the weirdo in the bunch. But that’s not the purpose of dating. It’s marriage.
I do believe that 16 is fairly young to date now that my boys are older.
So you might want to take that on a case by case basis, although I do not think younger than 16 should be considered.
Second, talk to them about the standards for someone they want to date. The first question should be – are they a believer? How do you know? Help your kids know how to look for someone who is a believer and what questions they should ask. This doesn’t happen naturally for kids because they’re kids. We have to help them set the standard in their lives and talk about it with them .
Third, the why is always important. We can’t just tell our kids what to look for and what it means to be unequally yoked, we also have to talk to them about why it’s important. This is the reason I’m so passionate about apologetics. Apologetics is the why, or the defense, of Christianity.
But there is a why – or a reason – for God’s commands and that includes marriage.
If we are Christians and everything we do looks differently from the rest of the world, that means dating and relationships do too. What does Christian dating look like in comparison to the culture?
The culture is telling your kids that it doesn’t matter who they date. The culture is not keeping the sanctity of marriage but redefining it. They are not encouraging abstinence. They are encouraging “safe sex” and providing ways to make it easier to have sex without hopefully passing on STDs. If you do not talk to your kids about these things, the culture already is and they have no other view, especially a biblical view, to challenge what the culture is feeding them.
When we have the conversation with our kids about being unequally yoked, we naturally include the sex talk because it comes in here. And when we talk about the differences between the culture and what God says about marriage, we give them the why – the reasons – God made it this way. His commands are not burdensome and they actually keep us from having to bear the heavy burden of a rocky relationship had we not stuck to His commands as our standard.
Close:
The view marriage has a lot to do with the concept of being equally yoked. Are we going into these relationships with the idea that we have a standard for marriage? The culture has cheapened all of these things that make marriage better.
Sean McDowell just posted a reel with a quote Russian (not sure of his full name). But he said, “Practicing Christians are the least likely to get a divorce, who have lower body counts (sex partners) are the least likely to get a divorce, practicing Christians who were each other’s first sexually are the least likely to get a divorce when they pray together, etc – all lead to longer lasting and more satisfying marriages. There is your why. This is what makes God’s commands not burdensome – the outcome of keeping them keeps us from the burden of sin.
Let’s take it back to the title of this episode – the Bible doesn’t encourage looking for a project but a partner.
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