Season: 10 Episode: 150
Listen to episode 146 in Spanish:
Summary:
In this first episode of the Marriage and Family series, Shanda lays out a defense for why marriage is not a social construct. With more people marrying later in life and less marriages overall, why do young people devalue marriage? The bottom line is that marriage is not only good for society, it’s good for you. Shanda breaks down why the definition of marriage cannot be changed and how marriage makes you a better person overall.
Recommended Resources:
Cross Examined Article: Is Teaching Your Kids About God Child Abuse?
Website: shandafulbright.com
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Email: hello@shandafulbright.com
YouTube: Shanda Fulbright
We’re starting the marriage, parenting, and family series this week and I’ve been really excited to start this and talk about some of the things I don’t feel like I hear a lot of people talk about. I’ve added some topics to the list in this series to give you what I hope is a well-rounded podcast series.
And while some of you might not be thinking of marriage or might have been married for years, maybe you don’t have kids or your kids are grown, or maybe you think these topics aren’t for you specifically, I want to remind you that these are topics we ought to be discussing in the church because they’re foundational to society. I had John Ferrer on the show a couple of weeks ago and we discussed why the family is an apologetics issue and so I want to take time to discuss this.
In this episode we’re going to talk about marriage and divorce.
Coming up on this series, I have episodes on raising teens, discipline in the home, in-law relationships and more. Before we get into this episode, I have a few announcements coming up: If you are in the Greenville, SC area on May 10th, I’m speaking at the Tremont COG WOW (women in the word) – it’s their women’s ministry. You can go to the Tremont Church of God website to register or shandafulbright.com/events.
Alright, today we are going to about:
- Is marriage a social construct or is it instituted by God?
- The consequences of divorce (Katy Faust book)
- 3 Tips for a strong marriage
Alright, so here’s the thing – this episode is going to make the case that marriage is not a social construct and we’ll dive into the benefits and purpose of marriage. In the next episode, I’m going to talk about the consequences of divorce and how to handle conflict in marriage. So this is not a two parter, but because this is a series, the marriage part of this series is going to be several episodes long. I’m really excited about it. These can be somewhat controversial and there’s only so much I can cover in these episodes, but we will do the best we can.
Before I get into the content of this episode, let me give some disclaimers:
First, I am not going to address abusive relationships in this episode or reasons some people divorce such as infidelity or abuse. I know some will tell me that there are reasons for divorce, and I get it, but I’m not addressing those. I will say, though, that we should be careful with what is labeled as abuse. Not everything is abuse and I think that because we live in an “everyone is toxic” culture, we can quickly dub a relationship abusive so we can easily get out of it. So again, I think we should be careful with that label.
Also, I am not talking about those people God has called to be single. Just because I talk about how marriage is instituted by God does not mean I am going to tell everyone they should get married. If you are called to not get married, then stick to that call. But I also don’t like it when some people say Christians glorify marriage too much. Okay, but that doesn’t take away from the significance and beauty of marriage and the fact that God instituted it.
Those are the disclaimers so that we start on the right page.
Is marriage a social construct?
When the Supreme Court ruled in the Obergefell vs Hodges case in 2015, they made it possible for men to marry men and women to marry women. In other words, the argument wasn’t necessary about same sex marriage as much as it was about changing the definition of marriage, which effected same sex couples. What I’m saying is that the definition of marriage was at the heart of this case. Before this, the law recognized that marriage is between one man and one woman. It’s not legal for one man to marry several women or vise versa.
This led to other arguments. For example, people wanted to know what’s the big deal about a man marrying another man. If they’re in love, want to file taxes together, be on each other’s insurance – what do you care? Stay out of my bedroom and worry about your own, is what people said. And many Christians said, “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s just give them this one thing. We’ll concede.” But Christians were forgetting one thing: you don’t get to change the definition of marriage.
The Bible shows us where marriage was instituted by God in Genesis 2:23-24.
Adam said, “‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman,” for she was taken out of man.’ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Remember, before the fall, God said something we need to take notice of: It is not good for man to be alone. Everything else was good. All of creation was good but without the woman, it was not good. The woman was made to compliment the man. We see God’s design for creation was male and female. In fact, male and female animals were taken on the Ark so they could pro-create. Then God made humans in His image- male and female He created them – Genesis 1:26-28.
To say that God designed marriage any other way is inserting your own ideas into the text.
The Bible tells us they are no longer two, but one. There is a oneness in marriage, especially trough the act of sexual intimacy. But they are joined together like two are yoked together in life – carrying each other’s burdens, going in the same direction, and moving in stride with each other. We’ll talk about conflict soon, but for now, visual this design for marriage as Paul instructs us not to be unequally yoked in 2 Corinthians 6:14.
The bible tells us about the order or role of each partner in the marriage. Christ is the head of the husband and the husband is the head of the wife. Now, I’m not going to get into the biblical teaching of submission and all of that – not because I don’t want to offend anyone and it’s controversial, because I don’t care about that – but because the whole purpose for this episode is to make the case that marriage is instituted by God and divorce has major consequences, which we will get into soon.
Good, solid and healthy marriages act within these roles
. If Christ is the head of the man and the man submits to Christ, as the Bible tells us in Ephesians, the husband will love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. The husband bears the responsibility of his family. God will come to the husband first and ask him to give an account for how he treated his wife and how he stewarded his family. Genesis 3 shows us that God first went to Adam and Adam had to answer for his sin before Eve did. But the point here is not to just say, “Marriage is instituted by God” the end. It’s to show that within the biblical definition of marriage, there is oneness. There are roles. And there is submission to Christ and submission to the husband.
The benefits or marriage.
When you look back at history and feminism, you’ll hear how women didn’t get the chance to vote and how women were stuck taking care of the home. You’ve heard it all before. And yes, while it is true that women didn’t vote and took care of the home, there is context behind even this and the biblical definition of marriage had benefits for women that we don’t often hear about.
So let me give a disclaimer for this part of the episode as well. First, I am not saying that women shouldn’t have the right to vote. But I will tell you the reason for this as we go along. I am also not saying there weren’t chauvinistic men who took advantage of women. Or there wasn’t purposeful unfairness for why women didn’t have the same rights they have today. I’m sure it was difficult to be cat called and other things back in the day. It’s annoying when men stare at women today. But I’m not going to talk about those things.
That’s not the point of this episode.
If you’ve listened to me long enough you know I’m not a feminis. Aand if you haven’t listened to me for very long, let me just say – I’m not a feminist. Feminism doesn’t speak for me. What I really want to highlight here are the benefits of marriage. For that, we’ll have to dig into a little bit of history and the Bible.
In August of 1920, women were granted the right to vote in the US. Before this, men voted but his vote represented the entire family. So it was’t as though the woman did not have a say in the vote. She just didn’t cast her ballot with the votes that were being counted until the states ratified the 19th amendment, giving women the right to vote.
We’ve been told our entire lives that women didn’t have the right to vote as if she had no say in the matter. Nut what this shows is that society placed a higher value on marriage family then than it does today. We live in a society that is all about expressive individualism and autonomy. And what we have to ask is where does that fit in with marriage?
When God instituted marriage and the two became one flesh, that means they are in unison.
I am very opinionated when it comes to politics. My husband and I talk politics and policies all the time. We are in agreement about the candidates we vote for. And if for some reason my husband had to go and vote on our family’s behalf, I would take no issue with it. We are in harmony over politics.
We are in harmony over our religious beliefs. And we are in harmony over how to raise our kids. We are in harmony over the rules we set for our household. We are in harmony over our finances. I know that’s not the case with some couples. Even if you have the same worldview, and if you don’t – you will naturally conflict. But again – you have to ask about the purpose of marriage? We’ll get to the purpose of marriage and conflict soon, but for now, we’re talking about the benefits of marriage.
One of those benefits is the protection of women and children.
When women have a good husband – a godly husband who is strong in the Lord, he will love her like Christ loved the church and he will do all things for the benefit of his family because that is what God instructs him to do. All throughout history, women and children have always been the most vulnerable of society. So no matter what the culture tells you as far as being an independent woman and not needing a man, the statistics show the reality of that statement and what you see is that its not true.
There are higher drop out rates, drug abuse, depression and anxiety in young children, poor grades, poor relationships with others when the father is not present in the home. There’s higher rates of poverty and higher rates of suicide with the absence of a father.
So tell me again how marriage and family are bad for kids?
Because that is not true. Marriage, the way God has designed it, protects women and children and stabilizes the home and as a result it stabilizes society.
There are practical benefits to marriage as well – financially, you have the benefit of putting your resources together and planning for the family. My husband and I dream together. We plan together. And we ask each other, “What do you want your life to look as we move forward together?” And we’ve lived in a travel trailer and dreamed about our first home.
We were poor together and we worked hard together. My kids don’t have a clue what life looked like in our early years because we fought our way out of it together. But it was fun! I actually want my boys to marry young, and I want them to be poor with their wives – together! My husband and I want them to dream with their wives. I want them to work hard with their wives. Because as Solomon says in Ecclesiastes two are better than one because when one falls down he has someone to life him up. What a shame when one falls down but has no one to life him up.
For those of you contemplating marriage or maybe you’ve been married and hit a rut (it happens).
Or maybe you’re in year 20 and it’s the same old thing – let me tell you this: marriage isn’t only good for you, it makes you good!
Marriage reminds me that it’s not about me. Marriage reminds me that I have another person to think about and sacrifice for. This life isn’t only about how I feel but how I make the one I chose to live with forever feel. When you stood before your husband and you took your vows, you said them before God even if you didn’t think it was a vow before God because to God marriage is a covenant. Jesus said, “Therefore, what God has joined together let no man separate.”
He was referring to the man and woman becoming one flesh.
Marriage makes you better because you learn to give a little of yourself up when you want to make the other person happy. And if you have a good spouse he will do the same. Less and less people want to get married and when they do, it’s usually alter in life. The average age of marriage in the US is around 31 years of age. More people have sex outside of marriage now that they don’t need to get married. The saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” is true. The benefits of marriage used to be because sex, economic stability, family all came with it. Not anymore. So of course people get married later in life. But that comes with a lot of baggage the older you are and the longer you wait.
Close:
The main question of this episode is is marriage a social construct or is it instituted by God? And for that you have to ask what the purpose of marriage is. God told gave humans the commands to be fruitful and multiply. Societies are built on strong family’s. George Barna, researcher at Arizona Christian University and author of the American Worldview Inventory, says that you can tell a lot about where a society is headed by looking at what they believe. In his new book, Raising Spiritual Giants, he says there’s a huge decline in Gen Z valuing marriage and family compared to other generations before them. Gen Z are those born between 1999 and 2015. Only 1 in 5 want to get married before the age of 30. They’re highest priorities are their own hobbies and interests, starting a career and finishing school.
It could be because they’re young and don’t prioritize marriage and family just yet. But it could also be because of how millennials and Gen Xers portray marriage. With about half of marriages ending in divorce, society at large doesn’t value marriage and family like it used to. And when you look at the statistics on worldview, it’s not wonder that Christians are among those divorcing.
What example are we showing our kids?
If marriage a is a social construct, where’s the value in it from a secular standpoint? You can divorce your spouse and move onto the next one. But it’s not that easy, as we will see when we talk about divorce and conflict in marriage.
If we as Christians get back to understanding why marriage is instituted by God, between one man and one woman, and the purpose of marriage is to have companionship, fellowship, comfort, and a holy union between you and your spouse. Marriage creates a stable home for your children and a strong home brings strong societies. Rewind this and listen to the effects of fatherless knows as a refresher for anyone who wants to argue against this point. Marriage nurtures a self-sacrifice love instead of a selfish lifestyle of living only for yourself. It protects individuals from sexual immorality.
And marriage is a visual representation of Christ and His church.
It’s good to know this but it must be lived and communicated so the next generation will see and value marriage and family themselves.
Is marriage a social constrict? No. It’s not. It is a holy union and the church must get back to communicating this truth.
Like I said, this is a series on marriage, family, and parenting. I will have Angela from Raising Apologists on soon and next week we will dive into the consequences of divorce and why Christians should be very careful when it comes to giving advice to their friends on marriage and divorce. It’s going to be a great episode, I can promise you that. I hope to challenge you with some things that we have to think about and talk about as we look at what divorce is and what it does.
If you have any questions for me, please email me at hello@shandafulbright.com. And if you enjoy the podcast, please leave a 5 star rating and review as it helps get the podcast into the earbuds of others. If you need a speaker for an event – conference, retreat, or even a training for your Christian educators, you can email me for that as well. And like always, I’ll catch you on the next one!
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