Season: 10 Episode: 150
Listen to episode 146 in Spanish:
Summary:
It’s no secret that almost 50% of marriages end in divorce. When something becomes normalized in society that doesn’t mean the church should stop speaking out about it. Unfortunately, the breakdown of the family is reflected in the breakdown of society. Shanda discusses the history of divorce in America and how it affects the family and children. If you think divorce does not ripple beyond you and impacts those around you, the statistics shared in this episode will cause you to re-think your position on divorce. Finally, Shanda will tell you why God hates divorce and you should too.
Recommended Resources:
Cross Examined Article: Is Teaching Your Kids About God Child Abuse?
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We are continuing our series on marriage and family and today we’re talking about the consequences of divorce. I did start this series in episode 233 with Is Marriage A Social Construct, so check that out if you haven’t listened yet. I think that is a great foundation for this episode because if you know the purpose of marriage, you’ll know why God hates divorce. And yes, God does hate divorce. I’ll give you verses and context for that as we move through this episode.
I want to add that this episode is somewhat personal to me. I have a close loved one that has recently gone through a divorce and it’s still very fresh. I’ve always known divorce is evil and God does not condone divorce, but never have I experienced the evil of divorce until I’ve witnessed it, saw it with my own eyes, and watched the hurt and anguish it caused. When I tell you divorce is evil, it is evil. There is nothing good that comes from it.
I want to make the case today that divorce is not of God.
That is going to fire some people up, but that truth does not change no matter what circumstance you want to throw at me. God hates divorce. Does that mean there aren’t valid reasons for it at times? Of course not. But like I said on the marriage episode, we better be careful when we say what are valid reasons for divorce because if you’re going to label someone as abusive to get out of the relationship or to give yourself a pass, God knows whether or not that’s true. God cannot be mocked.
We’ll get into a lot of that in this episode. First, if you’re planning for the next school year and need resources on apologetics and logic for middle and high school students, check out our hard copy of resources at Impact Apologetics. Dr. Frank Turek and I co-wrote Let’s Get Real: Examining the Evidence for God and Train Your Brain: An Introduction to Logic and we are promoting all of our homeschool curriculum this summer. Go to impactapologetics.com to place your order and view all of the curricula we have.
Also, if you’re in the Easley, SC area on May 10th, join the Tremont COG for their WOW (women of the word) dinner. I’m speaking to their ladies group that evening.
Aright, here’s what we’re going to tackle in this episode:
- The history and meaning of divorce.
- The impact and consequences of divorce.
- How to handle conflict in marriage.
I’m not a family counselor but I have been married for almost 23 years this June. My husband turned 20 3 weeks before we got married and a lot of people can’t believe we got married that young. We’ve heard that people change as they grow up, and men go through a midlife crisis and want to trade in for a younger model. But people used to get married younger than that. Girls used to plan their wedding day early early on. So what’s changed?
When you look at the word divorce, you get the prefix div.
It means separate. It’s where you get words like divide, divert, diverged. So when someone divorces, it’s a separation of everyone. The two that became one flesh is divided. That’s why Jesus said, “What God has joined together let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6). When a couple is joined in a holy union, there is a spiritual union that takes place. It’s not just about signatures on a piece of paper that’s acknowledged by the courts. It’s a union brought together by God in a covenant.
Divorce wasn’t as common decades ago because it was a lot more difficult to get. A person had to show fault. They had to prove their spouse did something worthy of divorce and the one wanting the divorce had to have no guilt or fault to be able to request the divorce.
In 1969, Ronald Reagan, the then governor of California, institute the no-fault divorce under California’s Family Law Act. Then could claim irreconcilable differences and the divorce would be granted. As you’ve heard, what starts in California easily spreads to the rest of the country.
Naturally, this caused divorced to sky rocket in the 1970’s and 1980s.
But this also impacted how society viewed marriage. Now some might say people would be more likely to get a divorce knowing they can easily get out of it. That wasn’t the case. Marriage rates also dropped once no fault divorce was in place.
No fault divorce was one of the most detrimental acts that I don’t believe Ronald Reagan realized would have tragic effects for the family and the strength of society. We will get into the consequences of divorce soon and you’ll see why. But if you want to know why we’ve come so far so fast with same-sex marriage, transgenderism, pedophilia and many of the issues we’re seeing right now, go back to no fault divorce. The breakdown of the family started and essentially the weakness of the culture is found in the fault lines of this terrible decision.
Does changing the law of the land change the law of God?
I think you know the answer to that question. Malachi 2 says this, “13 Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
15 Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.[d] So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.
16 “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,”[e] says the Lord Almighty.
God hates divorce.
And just like God went to Adam first in the garden, when he was hiding behind the bush, he will go to the head of the house and make him give an account for his wife and his family. The husband bears the responsibility of his family. But that doesn’t give the woman the right to divorce him without the reason Christ gave in the gospels, which we’ll get to.
I know that’s heavy because statistically, it’s going to effect many in the church – around 50% of couples and that’s why I believe many pastors have cowered from talking about marriage and divorce. Shame on them. But it’s in God’s word. So if you’re going to get mad about it, take it up with God. And in Nancy Pearcey’s book, Toxic Masculinity, she breaks this statistics down to show that it’s nominal Christians (in name only) who have the same divorce rates was those outside the church. So it’s not biblical Christians who have the same divorce rate as those outside the church. That’s an important distinction.
And the reason I say that so strongly is because again, I am going through this with someone very close to me at the moment and I hate it. I hate the consequences of divorce. and Ihate that people who call themselves Christians do not have more successful marriages. I hate that our Christian kids don’t have better examples of marriages to look up to. And that’s why I want to share with you the consequences of divorce by Katy Faust, author and founder of Them Before Us: A children’s’ rights organization.
The impact and consequences of divorce.
I am going to give you some of the best examples of the effects divorce has on children and the family from Katy Faust’s book Them Before Us. This is the same title as her global movement and I’ll link her site in the show notes. I had Katy on the show 2 years ago and she is a feisty, intellectual, and passionate children’s rights defender.
Let me first tell you about the 3 rights test: She says children have a right to their biological mother and father. Everyone says they have rights but in order to know if what you’re asking for is truly a right you have to give it this test:
- Is it pre-government? In other words, the right doesn’t exist because of government, it exists regardless of government.
- Is it provided? No one has to provide a natural right. She says, “If you have to pout its foundation, frame it, sheetrock it, or bottle it, deliver it, it’s not a right.
- And, Is it distributed equally? In other words, a right is granted to everyone in equal measure. If someone get a bigger house and yours is smaller, housing its’t aright. If someone gets a better education and others have a lesser degree, education is not a right.
So why do children have a natural right to their mother and father?
Because a parent-child relationship existed before and exists regardless of the government. Only a mother and a father can have a baby.
If a child exists, so do his/her biological mother and father.
Everyone has only one mother and one father. So we are all on the same playing field when it comes to how many moms and dads (biologically speaking) we have.
And this is the whole premise of Katy’s book. She talks about adoption, infertility, same sex parenting, etc. But today, we’re going to look at what she says about marriage and divorce.
Katie says, “Divorce is another term for “death of a family.” The end of a marriage is often the end of a child’s feelings of safety and security. It’s the end of a home, the end of love shared by two people a child loves the most, and the end of time spent with both parents daily. Divorce introduces instability, confusion, and questions of loyalty into the already complex nature of childhood.” (98, Them Before Us).
Katy said there are 3 socio-emotiona staples children require to thrive:
a loving mother, a loving father, and stability.
So many people say, “We got a divorce for our kids. We didn’t want them to grow up in a house where their parents shouted and didn’t get along.” But Katy says you should stay together and don’t use the kids as an excuse to divorce. Why? Because the outcome of a divorced mother and father is more detrimental than the parents fighting through to stay together and keep their family intact.
Katy doesn’t hide the fact that fixing a broken marriage isn’t challenging and requires professional help. She and her husband, who is a pastor, has counseled many couples dealing with pornography, childhood baggage, communication issues, sexual challenges, infidelity, and lots of other very challenging and “toxic” behaviors. She said it’s possible to save a marriage if you will work at it. Because all you’re going to do is divorce one and transfer the problems and the issues to another relationship. Katy says that unless a spouse or child is in danger, divorce is off the table for a defender of children’s rights because divorce has lasting traumatic effects on a child’s health and well-being. In other words, your bad marriage isn’t just about you and your spouse. It’s about your kids too.
And you might think, “Oh my kids are older.
There won’t be a lasting effect on them.” Is that true? Is it because you asked them and they told you everything was fine, don’t worry? Of course your child, who sees you suffering and hurting, isn’t going to tell you they’re struggling.
Elizabeth Marquadt from The Institute for American Values, surveyed young adults from 18-35 and came from intact and divorced families, and she found this:
“Close to half of the children said that after the divorce they felt like a different person with each of their parents – something only a quarter of children from intact families said. Half said their divorced parents’ versions of truth were different, compared to just a fifth of those with married parents. More than twice as many children of divorce as children of intact families said that after the divorce, they were asked to keep important secretes – and many more felt the need to do so, even when their parents did not ask them to.”
She also found that kids who came from “good divorces” fared worse than kids who came from unhappy but low-conflict marriages. But Marquadt says there is no such thing as a good divorce.
Out of all of the studies and findings Katy lists, I found this statistic interesting:
“The death of a parent inflicts less psychological damage on a child than divorce.”
Divorce effects a child in every way – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and in their future relationships. Many who come from divorced homes end up divorced in their own marriages.
Katy says this to those who think the next person is going to “get” you better than your spouse did, your kids are okay with your divorce, or the next marriage is going to be better than the first one: “Don’t fool yourself. You’re not special. Your kids are not different, and they won’t be “fine.” A child’s happiness is not a function of adult happiness.
Children are content and secure when their parents do hard things so their kids can have the necessary daily dose of Mom and Dad’s nourishing love … Divorce is the act of transferring adult struggles onto children’s shoulders; it’s the transference of the hard work that spouses are responsible for doing to innocent victims. Divorce says, “We won’t do the hard work marriage requires, so here, children, you handle it instead.”
I know that’s hard. I know that’s harsh.
But the effects of divorce, the death of a family, the death of a child’s stability and security are at stake – and I won’t back down from it. Personally, I’ve had people, specifically women since I don’t talk one-on-one to married men about their marriage, complain about their husbands to me. They tell me all the things they don’t do. I don’t know about you, but do any of your friends ever call you up to brag about their husbands? Wouldn’t that be nice? Those are probably only saved for a random social media post. That’s sad when you think about it. But this is what I tell them, “I will never tell you to get a divorce. I will never condone it. You are better together, trust me when I tell you this. You think the grass is greener on the other side – it’s not. In addition, you made a vow to God. Take it up with Him.”
If you want to be there for your friend, don’t man bash. Encourage your to do the hard thing and work on her marriage.
What do to with conflict in marriage.
I can give you all of the scriptures on marriage here and they’re likely ones you’ve heard before. But instead, I’ll leave you with one that shows how to return to your love.
Revelation 2:2-5 give us some insight on how to return to you love. And I know Jesus is talking about your first love – God – but there is a hint in here about what to do to rekindle that love. He says, “ I know your works, your labor, and your endurance, and that you cannot tolerate evil people. You have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not,and you have found them to be liars.b 3 I know that you have persevered and endured hardships for the sake of my name, and you have not grown weary. 4 But I have this against you: You have abandoned the love you had at first.d 5 Remember then how far you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. Otherwise, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.”
Again, I understand the context here is about the church in Ephesus, but the concept is the same. Jesus is saying that this church used to do what they did for Him out of love for Him.
That was their motivation and it wasn’t hard.
When you’re in love, you want to spend time with that person. You want to be with them all the time. Those are the first works of getting to know someone and fall in love with them. It’s the same with God – the first love of our hearts, and it’s the same with our spouts – the one God has joined us together in holy matrimony to become one with.
And women, especially when we have young children, stop tending to the needs of our husband and we start tending to the needs of our kids. If you want to keep the love in your marriage, do the things you did when you first started dating. Did you go out of your way to see him? Then go out of your way to make time for him. Did you text him to remind him you’re thinking about him? Then send him a text of a sweet memory or an appreciation text or just tell him he’s on your mind. The point is – you have to be intentional about your marriage because you have to cultivate the love you had at the beginning. Goosebumps and butterflies in your stomach go away – but that’s not real love anyway. True love is choosing each other over and over again.
So that’s the first thing I’ll say.
The more time you spend together being intentional, the less conflict you’ll have because you will understand each other better. Make a set time for just you two. No excuses.
Second, you have to communicate. Sometimes we talk over and around each other and men and women do not communicate the same. But think about how you communicate with your spouse. Do you talk at him? Do you talk down to him? Or do you talk in a way that you also want to hear what he has to say? You might want to look up some communication tips on how to have more effective conversations and start by taking inventory of your motives and how you talk to your spouse.
Third, don’t bash your spouse.
The more you talk about him the more resentful you’ll become. You are your husband’s covering. Those who know me and are close to me know that you don’t talk bad about my husband to me. Now, I can’t control what you say about us behind our backs but if someone wants to come to me and put my husband down to me – I’ll stop you before you get the second word out. And you won’t hear me talk bad about him to anyone either. That doesn’t mean I don’t get irritated with him and it doesn’t mean that we don’t have our own share of frustrations and conflict, but I know who he is. He’s a good man and he works hard for my family. If you want to address both of us, we’ll gladly sit down and hear you out, but I will protect and defend my husband.
Protect your husband. Protect your wife. Be his/her covering. That is what Christ is to us. He’s our defender, our protector. He is our advocate. Be careful what you say about your husband because if he takes care of you, provides for you, listens to you, goes to church with you, and is doing what he can but gets off track here and there – be patient. God is patient with you.
Finally, pray for your spouse. There is nothing like praying for your husband or wife. God sees the unseen – the heart of the person you love. He is working on what you cannot see.
Close:
I know this was a heavy episode today. I know it’s going to be controversial for a few reasons:
- Because the culture has normalized divorce. But we don’t take out cues from culture. Divorce should not be normal among Christians.
- People don’t like to be told what to do. Some are going to hear these stats and say: but that won’t happen to us and my kids are fine. Yeah, but don’t be like Eve who was deceived when the serpent told hereof “You won’t surely die.” In other words, the serpent told her, “it won’t happen to you, Eve. You’re special.” Galatians 5 is a reminder that we reap what we sow. Be careful.
- Sadly, we don’t think about children’s rights like Katy fights for. This whole book was a sledgehammer to my mind as I read it. I will never think of parenting the same way and the right a child has to his mother and father.
These episodes are not to discourage you.
If you are in a marriage you feel is hopeless let me remind you what Jesus said, “With man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.” There are just some things that are impossible with man. But all things are possible with God. Fight for your marriage and fight for your family. Do the hard thing and God will be with you in it. He makes His dwelling with us when we accept Him into our lives. You are not in your marriage, your home, or your parenting without Him.
And if you are divorced, if there is any way at all to reconcile with your spouse, I pray that as crazy as you might think it sounds – that you’ll open that door of impossibility to the Lord. I don’t know your circumstance and I know some will accuse me of judging – but you’ve heard all of my disclaimers and I have the word of God here with me as you do. Look it up for yourself and see what God says about divorce. But if possible, I pray you’ll be reconciled together. God can do it if you’ll let Him.
And finally, God will never tell you to do something that is not in His word.
People have said some crazy things, like, “I left my wife because God knew I was unhappy.” Or, “God brought this woman in my life to replace my husband.” Or, “God told me to divorce my wife because I’m really called to married this other woman.” All lies from the devil. If you believe that, you don’t know the word of God or you’re using God to justify your divorce and sinful relationship. God will not ask you to do something contrary to His word.
My heart is that the church is strengthened by Jesus Christ and His word. That we would know His commands, obey them, and walk in a manner worthy of the Lord. That includes our marriages. It includes our children. And strong families make strong societies.
If you have any questions for me, email me at hello@shandafulbright.com. If you enjoy the show, please leave me a 5 star rating and review, and like always I’ll catch you on the next one.
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