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Following our hearts is a message we often hear in today’s culture, especially towards women. Messages all over social media, television, movies, and music are full of self-fulfilling prophecies, that if we just follow our heart’s desires then we will find joy and contentment. Except we know that what God says will often grain against what the world says.
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9
“Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.” Romans 8:5
God tells us that we cannot trust our hearts.
The Bible also tells us that the Holy Spirit will guide our ways. How, then, are we to know whether we are following the Holy Spirit or our sinful hearts?
Recently, I chose to surrender my heart to God on a specific matter and really trust that He would influence my heart to lead me in His perfect will. Doing things my own way was getting me nowhere (as it so often does), and what I found was peace and joy once I fully surrendered my heart’s desires to Him.
When my husband and I got married, we were not certain whether we wanted children. It wasn’t a hard yes or no for either of us; just an uncertainty as to whether that was something we really wanted.
To some people, this might sound crazy.
It is often assumed that once people get married the next logical step it to have children. For us though, deciding whether or not to have children was a decision we did not take lightly.
Neither of us had a huge desire to have a child to be honest with you, and as bad as it sounds, many people we knew who were parents just did not seem very happy. People tended to complain about their kids constantly, how they never had any free time to relax or pursue their hobbies anymore, how kids will drain your time, energy, and money, and so on. I could go on about the complaints I heard from people, but you get the gist.
This was a major turn off for both of us when we thought about whether or not to have children. Of course, after people’s complaining about their own children they seemed astonished to find out we were not sure if we wanted any. The looks we got were as though we were alien life forms, or just the most selfish immature people ever. We would think, “Really? After everything you just told us, you can’t figure why we aren’t sure about this?”
When we were first married, it seemed like we had plenty of time to decide whether we wanted to have kids. As we got into our 30’s though, I began to feel my biological clock start to tick just a tiny bit faster than it seemed to in my 20’s. I started to wonder if I would regret not having children.
Was the fear of regret worth having kids?
What if I had them and then regretted it and they could tell, undoubtedly causing psychological damage? What if I ended up like many people I knew who had children and seemed so stressed out and annoyed all the time? But then again, what if I never tried having kids and in 20 years regretted not having them, which by that point it would be too late?
Talk about a downward spiral into catastrophizing!
Another thing I struggled with was feeling guilty over not desiring children. Was there something wrong with me for not desiring children? Was I truly a selfish person or less than a woman for not wanting to have children? Or was I going against God’s good plan for women and marriage to be fruitful and multiply?
My heart and head were grappling with this for quite some time.
I did internet searches, made a pro’s and con’s list, and even talked to my pastor about it. After all that, I still felt at a loss for what direction I should take. Was my heart’s lack of a desire for children sinful in nature, or what is the Holy Spirit guiding me as to which direction to go?
I can’t remember when exactly, but it finally dawned on me that this was not something I had been consistently praying over. Now, I am someone who is quite consistent with prayer. I even have a prayer outline on my website to guide people in their prayer time to make it more intentional for Pete’s sake! For some reason though, when it came to this issue, I had not been actively praying about it.
Finally, one day I added this concern to my prayer outline. It went something like this: “Dear God, please guide my husband and I in the right direction as to whether or not we should have children. Change our heart’s desires so they would align with Your will for our lives.” I can remember it verbatim because I prayed it so often.
I decided if God’s will is going to be done anyway, I had might as well get on board with it.
That may sound overly simplistic, but I think sometimes looking at things in simple terms can provide clarity. So, every day I prayed that prayer for God to change my heart to desire His will. The more I prayed that prayer, my confidence grew that how I was feeling in my heart was truly what God wanted for me.
It was not just the confidence in God that grew, but I started to actually notice a change in my heart. For the first time in my adult life, I actually started to desire a child. My heart was actually changing to want a baby, something I had not felt since I myself was a child and just figured I would have kids someday. At first, I wondered if the desire was fleeting. So, I continued on with my prayer every day, trusting that God would guide me in the right decision. Sure enough, every day that went by, my heart continued to grow in its desire for a child.
The concerns I once had began to seem trivial.
I knew that God would provide the money, help, time, and grace it took to raise a baby. Once I knew for sure this was a good desire that God had put in my heart, I built up the courage to talk to my husband about it. I wasn’t so sure how he would react, but after heartfelt conversations and praying over it some more, we decided to go ahead and try to conceive.
As luck would have it (who are we kidding, it wasn’t luck, it was The Lord!) we got pregnant and now have a beautiful little baby girl. Looking back, I can see how gently and faithfully God lead us to our decision. Not only did He change our hearts, but He provided encouragement along the way. I was lead to friends who provided wise counsel on the matter, using the Bible as a resource to point me towards motherhood. I even came across books and podcasts that spoke to this very topic. God was right there alongside me in my decision-making process, and just as I had prayed He guided my heart to desire His will for my life.
As I am typing this, I have a 9-week-old baby lying on my chest sleeping.
Her cute little button nose scrunching up once in a while as she sleeps soundly, probably having pleasant dreams of her next meal and getting snuggles from daddy when he gets home from work just melts my heart. Looking down at her, I can’t help but feel sad at the thought of never having this little baby girl if we had decided not to try for kids. She truly is the biggest blessing in the tiniest package, and we are completely in love with her.
My daughter will forever be a sweet reminder to me that when I surrender my heart to God and trust in Him to guide my plans for my life, He will always lead me to His perfect will.
“Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth.” Psalm 127:3-4
Now, I want to be clear about something.
I am NOT saying that women who do not have children are less-than, that they are lacking in their womanhood, or that they are selfish. Please do not hear me say those things. Obviously, some women cannot have kids or choose not to for whatever reasons, and each woman has to take those things to God and ask Him to guide them, just like I did. The outcome will be different than mine for some women, and that is totally alright. God loves His daughters, whether they become mothers or not, and no woman is less of a woman or less righteous if she does not become a mother. He can use each and every one of us no matter our life circumstances to do His good work in this world.
For me though, His will was to be a mama to this beautiful little girl. Though there have certainly been tough days in my early days so far in motherhood, never have I second-guessed if I made the right decision. I am fully confident God led me to this place, and I know He will guide me and provide grace for my shortcomings in raising my daughter.
For any young women finding themselves in the same predicament I was in, let me just say I get it. No judgment here if you aren’t sure that you want children. I mean my goodness, look at the world around us. Things seem to be getting darker and darker in the world, and having a child seems daunting.
Don’t listen to those women who only complain about their kids.
Everyone needs to blow off some steam once in a while, but toxic mommy culture is a real thing. Ladies, if you are a mother, watch what you say and how you talk about motherhood. Other women are listening (and your kids probably are too), and your words have an effect.
Lastly, let’s evaluate where we’re getting our hope from. If we put our hope in the world, no wonder we are terrified of having children. If we are waiting until things get better or the “right time” then we will never have kids. There will always be something bad going on in our lives, so there is no perfect time to have kids. There’s no perfect time for any major life decision to be honest, and that is why we need God to guide us.
“Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God.” Psalm 146:5
I hope my story encourages you to lean on God in whatever decisions you are facing right now. Whether it be in having children like mine was, marrying the right person, perhaps the choice to stay single, choosing the right job, deciding where to live, or one of the millions of other life decisions we will face, I promise if you heed Proverbs 3:5 that says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding,” He will guide you towards His perfect will for your life. You will gain confidence knowing He is in charge of your heart once you surrender it to Him. The stress of trying to figure it all out on your own will not plague you anymore as you grow in the knowledge that no decision we make will thwart His plans for us.
Even if it seems like a small thing, go to God with your worries. He wants to hear your concerns. Just like our earthly parents, He wants us to go to Him with our problems so he can provide comfort and guidance. And He will too! He promises it in His word. God will always answer our prayers. Praying that we would desire His will for our lives is one of the most powerful prayers that we could pray. Like I said, His will is going to happen anyways so we might as well get on board with it!
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