Season: 10 Episode: 150
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Summary:
What are toxic relationships, and as Christians do we cut toxic people out of our lives? There are some Chrstian influencers on social media who tout the message of the culture when it comes to “toxic” relationships. If the people in your life do not cheer you on, clap along, or make you feel insecure, are you really supposed to cut them out of your life? Does the Bible tell us anything about toxic relationships? Shanda shares some of her own relationship experiences on this episode and looks at what the Bible says about friendships. If you are struggling with relationships that challenge you, irritate you, or downright frustrate you, Shanda is going to take a dive into the Bible’s guidance on how to endure and how we need to think about relationships.
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Hey everyone! Welcome back to another episode of Her Faith Inspires podcast where we take cultural issues and we tackle them with Biblical truth. I have an episode today that I think you’re going to be very interested in. What’s funny is that I’ve seen this topic on social media for several years now and it usually has something to do with getting rid of toxic people from your life. I didn’t necessarily evaluate the message other than why toxic people are bad and you shouldn’t deal with them. But my first reaction was that it didn’t sit well with me.
My question is, “What do you mean when you say someone is toxic?” What does God have to say about it? Those are all the things we’re going to get into in this episode and I think by the end of it you’ll feel challenged and I am also going to give you some of my own experiences with eliminating people from my life and how God has convicted me of it.
Before we do, I want to read you a comment from a YouTube follower. It says, “Shandra (it’s actually Shanda … rhymes with Panda, but I’ll answer to anything close) I really appreciate that you back everything up with Scripture. And use it in context appropriately. Thank you! This is one of my favorite episodes.” And she’s referring to the episode Christianity and Anxiety, episode 179. If you ever want to watch the podcast, look up my channel on YouTube. If you haven’t listened to episode 179 yet, check that out. It comes with a free study on anxiety from a biblical worldview and you can find it at shandafulbright.com/links.
Train Your Brain – An Introduction to Logic – a new course beginning this fall for middle schoolers has open registration on Monday, May 15th. Use god logic2023 for a 20% discount for a limited time only. This is a fantastic course and I cannot wait to teach it.
Ok, so let’s get into this topic of toxic people and when to cut them out of your life.
This is what we’re going to discuss today:
- What is a toxic person per the culture and are there any toxic people per the Bible?
- What does the Bible say about tough relationships?
- Where do you go from here?
So let’s first look at the word toxic. It means poisonous. Obviously we’re not talking about poisonous in the sense of deadly. We’re talking about people who aren’t good for you. What we want to do is take a look at the culture’e message of toxic relationships and what the Bible says. The word toxic in regard to relationships is not in the Bible, but that doesn’t mean the Bible does not tell us how to navigate all kinds of relationships.
Also, I’m not getting into romantic relationships because those are a bit more complicated than other relationships So keep that in mind as we talk through this.
Now on that some note though, I do want to say that abusive relationships are dangerous and truly toxic because they’re harmful. Narcissistic people are emotionally abusive and then you have physically abusive relationships. I would definitely qualify them as toxic and recommend you get counseling and even separate until you get things under control. But for the sake of this episode, I am going to refer to friendships, familial relationships, and non romantic relationships. Are there times we need to cut people out of our lives? Let’s see what the Bible says and let’s also see what qualifies someone as toxic.
Time Magazine
Time Magazine put out an article in 2018 titled How to Tell if You’re in a Toxic Relationship and What to Do About It.
Dr. Lillian Glass said a toxic relationship is, “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”
Glass says what makes these toxic relationships is a consistent lack of support, consistent conflict, and this can be familial relationships, work relationships, and friends.
Glass says toxic relationships can stem from a difficult childhood, being bullied in school, or just a bad pairing between two individuals. Now, I don’t want to get into the biblical view of relationships yet, but I read what she’s saying and my mind goes to much deeper issues like the sin nature that interferes with how we treat others, and personality conflicts – especially when you are in a relationship with someone and are unequally yoked.
But do you see how the secular view does not even consider the spiritual condition of the heart and jumps only to the surface level issue – like bad pairing between two individuals? Of course that’s the whole point of the toxic relationship message, and I don’t expect Time Magazine to put out articles grounded with insight from a biblical worldview, but I want you to see how we look at what the world says and then ask, does this align to a Biblical worldview and why?
I see messages from Christian women that have said we need to cut toxic people out of our lives.
The problem is that they never define what they mean by toxic. And if you don’t, you really sound no different than the rest of the culture. I looked up the hash tag #toxic friendships on Instagram, and here are a few messages I saw:
“Walk away from friendships that make you feel small and insecure, and seek out people who inspire you and support you.”
I have a problem with this. Have people made me feel insecure before? Yes. But was it intentional or was it because of my own insecurities? I’d say it was the latter. A lot of times, when we’re around people who we feel are smarter, have it all together, or seem more successful, and sometimes just more joyful, we feel threatened and it can bring on insecurities. Does that mean we’re supposed to cut them out of our lives or does it mean we need to take a good hard look in the mirror? I’d say it’s the latter.
And let’s be honest – long term relationships aren’t always inspiring. You get to know people after a while and they don’t stay inspirational, they can get annoying because you know them. That’s the beauty of a long friendship. I do think support is important. So I concur with that one. But again, it goes both ways. Do you support your friend or are you only looking for support? Don’t expect to get what you don’t give. That’s why relationships are investments and if you invest well, you get a good return on your investment.
I did find one post on Instagram with a graphic that categorized relationship by healthy, unhealthy, and toxic friendships so I wanted to share that with you.
It says:
Healthy: encourages and supports you, happy for you when things go well, mutual respect and trust, will check in with you because they care, you feel uplifted when around them, you can be 100% yourself with them.
Unhealthy: negative and not genuinely supportive, questions how things are going so well, can’t be trusted with personal information, only calls you when they need you, you’re not sure where you stand with them, you feel like you need to hide parts of yourself.
Toxic: Puts you down and discourages you, Jealous of you and uninterested, will share your secrets willingly, Manipulates and uses you for their benefit, likes to cause regular chaos and drama, you often feel judged or criticized by them.
As I was reading these, I was like – thank the good Lord I don’t have any “friends’ in the unhealthy and toxic categories here. I mean, come on! These people aren’t friends if they aren’t interested in your life and if they’re constantly critical. But maybe you have these people as family members or co-workers, right? And you have no choice but to be around them. We’ll get to that. Hang with me for a bit.
My first point Im trying to make here is that the culture uses the word toxic as really anything.
And if we post that we should cut toxic people out of our lives without defining toxic, we sound like the rest of the culture. It’s kind of like classifying hate speech as anything you disagree with. It’s a very subjective description per culture to say that people are toxic if they make you unhappy. There are a lot of people who don’t actively support me. Does that make them toxic? Per this description, I have toxic people in my life now and I’ve been toxic to people in my life. But I don’t feel that way because I don’t describe toxic the same way the culture does.
So let’s take the description of toxic above and align it to the Bible to see if this is the way we should think as Christians.
Here’s what toxic is per this persons post on Instagram:
Puts you down and discourages you, Jealous of you and uninterested, will share your secrets willingly, Manipulates and uses you for their benefit, likes to cause regular chaos and drama, you often feel judged or criticized by them.
- Puts you down and discourages you. If you live with someone who does this, it can be taxing. It’s definitely not healthy. So first of all it does depend on the type of relationship you have with this person. If you have control over whether or not you see them, you obviously don’t have to put up with them putting you down. There is a level of self-respect we as Christians should have, not because of superiority or cockiness, but because we are created in the image of God and He values us. So if you can draw the line here, do it and leave when the person puts you down.
2. Jealous of you and uninterested. Boy, do I know people like this. I used to try and connect with people in my life and I tried for years but did it was not well received at all. It was not reciprocated, I would invite this person to do things and I was never invited by them. They don’t ask about my kids, they don’t contact me, they don’t let me know what’s going on with their family.
And honestly, I realized that some people just have a problem with you and there’s nothing you can do about it. I think I made things worse by trying to be friends because that person doesn’t want to be friends. I won’t cut them out of my life because I don’t want to do that, but I let them be because they’re not interested. So what’s my point? If someone is jealous of you and not interested, just stop. They don’t want you in their lives, so just be cordial, do what you have to do within the bounds of the relationship you have with them, and that’s that. If they want more, be open. If not, that’s OK. You’ll live.
3. Share your secrets willingly. This one is stupid. Why would you share secrets with someone who willingly shares them with others? If that’s the case you deserve to have your secrets told. Keep the pie hole shut and no one knows your secrets.
4. Manipulate you and uses you for their benefit. This is a no-go. Manipulation is very deceptive and you have control over whether or not you’re being used. If you are being manipulated, don’t be. Again, these things are not out of your control. Don’t be a door mat.
5. Likes to cause regular chaos and drama. If you want to see me leave a place quick, fast, and in a hurry, then start drama. I can’t stand drama and I thin more women are prone to it than men because we can get caught up in gossip and complaining. I hate conflict and that will also cause me to leave. So if you have people who cause drama in your life, don’t get sucked in. Get out and stay out of the way until the dust clears.
6. Finally, you feel judged or criticized by the toxic person. Again, what’s the relationship? There are people in my family who are never going to see different. They’re never going to change their talking points. I know how the conversations on certain topics are going to go and I’ll never change their minds. I have a choice to make – I can either jump into the conversation knowing I’m going to get irritated, or I can avoid the conversation. We get to know people well enough and eventually we have to set up boundaries so the relationship can be successful and put in it’s rightful place. Not everyone is a friend. And that’s something we need to remember.
What does the Bible say about relationships?
I was talking to one of my former youth group members today and I reminded him that the Bible is always counter cultural. Where the world will tell us to cut off anyone who doesn’t bring some sort of happiness or satisfaction to our lives, the Bible definitely does not promote that.
So we are going to look at three things when it comes to what the Bible says about relationships. From what I’ve found throughout my studies of the Bible, I see these two major types of relationships:
A friend.
An enemy.
The thee things we will look at in regard to these is:
- What is a friend per the Bible.
- What is an enemy per the Bible and how do we treat them.
- When do we cut someone off or out of our lives?
What does the Bible say about friendship?
First. He who has friends must be friendly. Prov 18:24. The Bible isn’t talking about how you look for a friend as much as it talks about how to be one. That’s what we forget here. The world is going to tell you how to look for those nontoxic people who support you, clap along, and encourage you. The Bible is going to encourage you to do that for others. That’s why the Bible is always countercultural.
Proverbs 17:17, ‘A friend loves at all times.” The Bible doesn’t say a friend loves at all times but not if you’re toxic. A friend loves you when you’re at your best or your worst. That’s why I love the people who truly know me and love me anyway. You guys get the best of me. The part of me that sounds smart and teaches you things that God has taught me or that I study on my own. But you don’t see crabby Shanda. You don’t see the tired Shanda who doesn’t want to cook dinner tonight because I worked all day. But those who do and still love me are the ones I appreciate and need in my life.
Proverbs 27:9, “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.’ Friends who can give you advice and remind you of what God says are good for the soul. Be that kind of friend. Who doesn’t always look to get from their friends but who look to give to their friends.
A friend does not go around and talk about you to others or talk about your faults to others.
Prov 17:9 tells us that true loves conceals an offense. They don’t want to go around and make you look bad to everyone else so you look better.
We have to be careful of those we call friends. I reserve that title for those who fit the description of a friend above. My boys used to complain about friends who were mean to them. That was their first mistake – calling someone a friend who did not fit the description. But he who has friends must be friendly, so are we being a true friend first. Set the standard of friendship in your own example first.
So how do we treat our enemies per the Bible?
Obviously an enemy is toxic – dangerous because an enemy is out to get you, right?
Well, I hate to break it to all of us who have enemies, Jesus never said to cut them out of your life. In fact, He said to mention their names to God the Father. What the what?
Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven.” Matt 5:43-45
We don’t want to pray for someone we call an enemy. It’s more tempting to ask God to judge them. But I don’t because if God is going to judge them for their wrong to me, then He will judge me for my wrong to Him. Because all wrongs we do to one another is a wrong against God since it goes against His command to love Him and love our neighbor. So be careful with that.
It’s in our nature to want an eye for an eye.
That means we want vengeance. But God will not allow us to take our vengeance with our enemy. He said He will do it.
In fact, Jesus is our greatest example because He came to His own and His own rejected Him. His friends betrayed Him. He was deserted by everyone. His family thought He was crazy. So the question is why do we pray for our enemies and how do we pray for our enemies?
- Why? Because hatred will harden your heart and mentioning their names in prayer will soften your heart. It’s our way to stay connected to the Lord so that He knows we are trusting Him to take care of our enemies.
David is one of the best examples of this.
He was the one who God chose to be king in place of Saul and Saul tried to kill him on several occasions. David had the opportunity to kill Saul several times and would not do it because he knew God had put Saul in that position and when God wanted him gone, God would take care of it. David ran from Saul. Some of the Psalms mention his prayer about his enemy, Saul. But he trusted the Lord and God protected his heart. In fact, his heart was so soft, God called David a man after His heart.
I have learned to pray for my enemies. It’s hard. It gets easier as you do it. And in the end, you know that their soul is in jeopardy.
If they do not change or get right with the Lord, eternity is at stake.
2. How do we pray? Pray honestly and ask God to deal with their heart and open their eyes to see the truth. Ask for wisdom to have conversations with them that will keep the conflict down. That’s a good place to start.
So is it ever OK to cut people out of your life?
A few months ago, I was having some conflict with a long time friend and my brother and I were talking. I told him I don’t like to cut people out of my life. I used to because I’m a person who retreats when there’s conflict. I’m outta there. If you don’t like me and you irritate me, I’d rather be gone than have the drama. But I work on that. So he told me that when we do all we can to help someone and they still don’t want what God has to offer and they want to bring an ungodly lifestyle into our environment, we have to draw the line. If they do not want to abide by the standard, then that’s their decision. He reminded me that sometimes the disciples were called to shake the dust off their feet and move on when people rejected God’s word.
I think that does parallel to some examples of the relationships in our lives.
Here is what Got Questions says about shaking the dust off your feet:
“Shaking the dust off one’s feet conveys the same idea as our modern phrase “I wash my hands of it.” Shaking the dust off the feet is a symbolic indication that one has done all that can be done in a situation and therefore carries no further responsibility for it. In the scriptural examples, Jesus was telling His disciples that they were to preach the gospel to everyone.
Where they were received with joy, they should stay and teach. But where their message was rejected, they had no further responsibility. They were free to walk away with a clear conscience, knowing they had done all they could do. Shaking the dust off their feet was, in effect, saying that those who rejected God’s truth would not be allowed to hinder the furtherance of the gospel. Even the dust of those cities that rejected the Lord was an abomination and would not be allowed to cling to the feet of God’s messengers.
There are situations in our lives where God calls us to stand firm, proclaim truth, and give patient testimony.
Sometimes we need to continue until we see the results of that testimony.
Other times God gives us the freedom to move on. We figuratively “shake the dust off our feet” when, under the Holy Spirit’s direction, we surrender those people to the Lord and emotionally let go. We have the freedom then to move into the next phase of ministry. Jesus’ instruction to “shake the dust off our feet” reminds us that we are only responsible for our obedience to God, not for the results of that obedience.”
I have led bible studies with friends and some of the friendships grew apart because the women in that group did not want to hear the truth. After about 2 years, I knew it was time for me to leave and I felt released from that. I moved on and I left them to the Lord. That is essentially what shaking the dust off your feet means. When we have friends who want to reject our godly advice, who want to bring drama into our lives and upset what God is doing in our homes, we shake the dust off our feet and give them to the Lord.
And don’t forget – bad company can corrupt good morals as 1 Cor 15:33 says. But again, it has nothing to do with your happiness and everything to do with godliness. The goal is for that person to have a relationship with God.
So where do we go from here?
First, we need to remember that the Bible does not talk about what to look for in a friend as much as it nurtures how you can be one to someone else. The Bible will always tell us to think of others more highly than we think of ourselves. The cultures definition of toxic is not going to align to Scripture. So if you’re looking for an answer in the Bible on how to cut a toxic person out of your life, you won’t find it. If any Christian influencer is touting the talking points of culture and telling you that if your friend doesn’t support you, and is jealous of you, to cut them out, stop right there an cut the supposed Christian influencer out of your life because that’s not biblical.
Second, if you’re trying to have a relationship with someone who just doesn’t like you for some reason, move on. It’s going to cause greater strife and drama if you try and make something happen that is not reciprocated.
Third, you never know how your kindness, patience, and love can turn someone around. The Bible says that when we do good to our enemies it’s like putting hot coals on their heads. You might not know how or when, but either way, you might be the avenue that leads them to christ.
Close:
I want to close this episode by reminding you that the Bible is countercultural and will always be countercultural. There are friends, enemies, and even times we shake the dust off our feet, give someone over to Jesus and move on. But that’s not because of how someone makes us feel or contributes to our happiness. It’s always because of godliness.
If you have any questions for me, email me at hello@shandafulbright.com.
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